I have been a very weak and pitiful blogger the last few
months year because I’ve had the emotional roller coaster of my short lifetime
thus far. One year ago, I finally decided to get engaged to G. Half a year later, I married him. I can’t believe he
has stuck by my side as my husband for six whole months. Between crying so hard
I can’t breathe and cursing at my body image in the mirror, G conquers all
my fears and doubts. He stays by me and tells me that everything is going to be
okay (often times I follow, yelling “everything is NOT okay!!!). That man is
one decision I’ll never regret.
I’ve hesitated posting this, (the fact that I prefaced this
paragraph with that phrase suggests that perhaps I shouldn’t) but I want to share part
of my experience as a newlywed. The days
following my honeymoon were overwhelming to say the least. The commitment I had
just made with another human was unfathomable and daunting. Committing to someone
for all eternity, FOREVER, cannot even be put into words. Never mind having
pick up someone else’s socks from the floor or cleaning toothpaste splatter
from your mirror, you are tied to this one
person forever.
It wasn’t as if I wanted anyone else. Things just didn’t
feel right. I was nervous and doubtful. I felt, and still feel, that there is
no one better for me than my husband. I knew I loved him, so why wasn’t
being married all that people made it out to be? I constantly thought I was disappointing
him. I thought he was irritated with me. I cried most nights and called my mother
way too much. I felt immature and unprepared. I saw girls getting married who
were much younger I and they seemed to do just fine—what was wrong with me? My married peers wouldn’t shut up about how amazing
their marriage was and couldn’t stop sharing all the incredible gestures shown
by their spouse. I wanted G to give me more attention and leave me notes. I
wanted flowers and text messages throughout my day. The guy I dated was now
consumed with two jobs and college classes and I was busy with work, student
teaching, and adjusting to a lot of change. Real life was setting in and I didn't handle it well, AT ALL. I wasn’t happy for months. How
could I have had a picture perfect wedding day, a honeymoon in paradise, the
man of my dreams and still be unhappy?
All the change I experienced this last summer sent me somewhere dark. I
was constantly worried about pleasing him. I doubted my abilities. I honestly
convinced myself that I didn't deserve someone as wonderful as my husband and I thought he was going
to leave. I even contemplated calling it quits myself. That is one horribly awful feeling. One I wish I never had. I felt utterly alone.
After countless prayers, arguments, tears, and more prayers,
something wonderful happened. I was scheduled to
nanny for an entire weekend, and G was invited to keep my company. I had seen G
with my nieces and nephew before, but there was something about this particular
weekend that hit me hard. I stood in the light of the hallway, holding a
teary-eyed three-year-old at three in the morning, I felt this flood of peace
and reassurance: G found me and put his arm around me, whispering to the little
boy that everything was going to be all right. He rubbed the boy’s back, kissed
me on the cheek and waited with me until we got the boy to sleep. That moment was all I needed. I realized that
G and I are a team. He’s my better half; my partner in crime. He wasn't going to give up on my and I will never give up on him.
Everything is going to be all right.
That man is one decision I will never regret.
The reason I wanted to share this post is because I felt
completely alone the first several months of my marriage. My mother consoled me
and I found temporary relief in prayer, but for months my heart was heavy and I
blamed myself. I tore myself up for feeling the way I did because everyone else
around me was having a wonderful time being married. I was so hard on the woman
I am that I drove myself into depression. Why did that happen? I sobbed through a Sunday school lesson because
everyone was sharing why their marriages were great. I couldn’t relate and I
felt as if I was a horrible wife. Maybe no one feels the way I felt, and if
that’s the case, then at least I blogged today, right?
Things are still
hard, but I am letting go of a lot of my insecurities. G puts up with my tears more than he should. He orders us
take-out when a cooking experiment goes awry. He makes me feel like the most gorgeous human being, even if I have gained 10 pounds since getting hitched. He never gets mad. He always holds me. He is patient and kind.
He makes me feel safe.
I just have to believe him
when he says that everything will be all right.
