A LITTLE BIT OF MY SOUL

Here's a post filled with some of my wisdom. I thought I'd put it on my blog because I'm overwhelmed with emotions, I need to journal, and I can type a lot faster than I can write.

It's almost been a year since Greg and I were wed. To say it's been strenuous is an understatement. Poor G has had to put up with my insecurities and crying and irrational worries all while working two jobs and earning two degrees in molecular biology and biochemistry scientificary what-not (that was meant to be funny. I know what he studied). I've spent so much time worrying about our future and criticizing G's differences that those simple, bright everyday moments get pushed to aside for my "more important" concerns.

Marriage is not simply the next step in a relationship. It's not just some fun opportunity to use your Pinterest ideas. It's not a way for you to fill a void because it seems like a nice idea. It's not something that anyone should take lightly. I've been thinking about this past year and I am filled with regrets. Why? For the past 11 months, I've made every little thing about me. My sweet husband? He's made everything about me, too. I didn't realize how much I've been taking and taking and the ironic thing is that is hasn't been fulfilling for me at all, let alone for our relationship.

We are a team. Plain and simple.

I am completely committed to this man and in return, he commits everything to me. Do you actually realize how serious that is? I'm pretty sure I don't realize how serious that is, but I'm here, with G, trying every single day.

We argue and we miscommunicate and I cry. We get irritated with each other and shut each other out. We grow and learn and love and laugh and play and cook and kiss. We keep going because we are each here for the other person. That, I have finally realized.

(jessica kettle)

DISCLAIMER

*I do not have one of those fancy pants Canon DSLR Rebel ULTRA to the MAX cameras.

I take pictures of my food with my iPhone (gasp!) and so DUH the pictures don't look like this. When you cook, I'm pretty sure you don't tie burlap around your mason jars filled with salad or serve pasta with flags in it. I am an amateur and I want readers to feel like they can make the dishes I post! Raise your hand if you have ever tried to make a recipe and it didn't turn out like the professional picture at all-- I know I have.

*Sometimes I say that the dishes I make are "lighter fare" or "healthy," but let me assure you that someone, somewhere is already sending me a message about how I should use spelt flour or how I shouldn't be using any salt. Somebody is rolling their eyes because I used butter (instead of some fake, processed alternative that has less calories). Someone thinks that I should be using rice syrup or some type of paste instead of a particular ingredient in my recipe.

Oh well.

Here's my motto: Moderation in all things. When I say my recipes are healthy, I mean that I have made adjustments to traditional versions of recipes to make them "better" for you. My opinion of "better for me" means I don't feel guilty after eating it. I don't press my own almond milk, but I use store-bought almond milk often. I won't even be in the same room as Kale chips, but I do make some mean oven dill-fries; however, I will ask questions about how you would change recipes to make them even "better"for us, or how you would make my sweet taco chicken if you don't have Stevia on hand.

*I'm not just going to post recipes. I've decided that I want to blog more and along with my love of cooking comes my love to write. I've made it easy for you to sift through my posts-- just click the live, love, or eat tabs at the top of my page to filter my posts by your desired topic. Woo!

*I get way too excited when people comment. I love your advice and support. I love how technology can connect people in all sorts of interesting ways.

*Sometimes cooking gets pushed aside and I order out. You should, too.

SIX MONTHS

I have been a very weak and pitiful blogger the last few months year because I’ve had the emotional roller coaster of my short lifetime thus far. One year ago, I finally decided to get engaged to G. Half a year later, I married him. I can’t believe he has stuck by my side as my husband for six whole months. Between crying so hard I can’t breathe and cursing at my body image in the mirror, G conquers all my fears and doubts. He stays by me and tells me that everything is going to be okay (often times I follow, yelling “everything is NOT okay!!!). That man is one decision I’ll never regret.

I’ve hesitated posting this, (the fact that I prefaced this paragraph with that phrase suggests that perhaps I shouldn’t) but I want to share part of my experience as a newlywed.  The days following my honeymoon were overwhelming to say the least. The commitment I had just made with another human was unfathomable and daunting. Committing to someone for all eternity, FOREVER, cannot even be put into words. Never mind having pick up someone else’s socks from the floor or cleaning toothpaste splatter from your mirror, you are tied to this one person forever.

It wasn’t as if I wanted anyone else. Things just didn’t feel right. I was nervous and doubtful. I felt, and still feel, that there is no one better for me than my husband. I knew I loved him, so why wasn’t being married all that people made it out to be? I constantly thought I was disappointing him. I thought he was irritated with me. I cried most nights and called my mother way too much. I felt immature and unprepared. I saw girls getting married who were much younger I and they seemed to do just fine—what was wrong with me?  My married peers wouldn’t shut up about how amazing their marriage was and couldn’t stop sharing all the incredible gestures shown by their spouse. I wanted G to give me more attention and leave me notes. I wanted flowers and text messages throughout my day. The guy I dated was now consumed with two jobs and college classes and I was busy with work, student teaching, and adjusting to a lot of change. Real life was setting in and I didn't handle it well, AT ALL. I wasn’t happy for months. How could I have had a picture perfect wedding day, a honeymoon in paradise, the man of my dreams and still be unhappy?

All the change I experienced this last summer sent me somewhere dark. I was constantly worried about pleasing him. I doubted my abilities. I honestly convinced myself that I didn't deserve someone as wonderful as my husband and I thought he was going to leave. I even contemplated calling it quits myself. That is one horribly awful feeling. One I wish I never had. I felt utterly alone.

After countless prayers, arguments, tears, and more prayers, something wonderful happened.  I was scheduled to nanny for an entire weekend, and G was invited to keep my company. I had seen G with my nieces and nephew before, but there was something about this particular weekend that hit me hard. I stood in the light of the hallway, holding a teary-eyed three-year-old at three in the morning, I felt this flood of peace and reassurance: G found me and put his arm around me, whispering to the little boy that everything was going to be all right. He rubbed the boy’s back, kissed me on the cheek and waited with me until we got the boy to sleep.  That moment was all I needed. I realized that G and I are a team. He’s my better half; my partner in crime. He wasn't going to give up on my and I will never give up on him.

Everything is going to be all right.

That man is one decision I will never regret.

The reason I wanted to share this post is because I felt completely alone the first several months of my marriage. My mother consoled me and I found temporary relief in prayer, but for months my heart was heavy and I blamed myself. I tore myself up for feeling the way I did because everyone else around me was having a wonderful time being married. I was so hard on the woman I am that I drove myself into depression. Why did that happen? I sobbed through a Sunday school lesson because everyone was sharing why their marriages were great. I couldn’t relate and I felt as if I was a horrible wife. Maybe no one feels the way I felt, and if that’s the case, then at least I blogged today, right?

Things are still hard, but I am letting go of a lot of my insecurities. G puts up with my tears more than he should. He orders us take-out when a cooking experiment goes awry. He makes me feel like the most gorgeous human being, even if I have gained 10 pounds since getting hitched. He never gets mad. He always holds me. He is patient and kind. 

He makes me feel safe. 

I just have to believe him when he says that everything will be all right.