Baby girl is has been in NICU for a week. It's been overwhelming to say the least because we were not given accurate information at first and I had my hopes up that she'd be leaving sooner than was ever possible. After I was discharged from the hospital, I didn't know how to think or function. I had been coming to visit Layla pretty frequently while I was in the hospital, and when I went back after one of her feedings the nurse discharged me and I had to leave right away.
At this point, two days after her birth, I hadn't been given any information about Layla, just that she was doing well with her bottle feeds and because she didn't need any oxygen I might be able to room in with her. None of her doctors had given me any information-- just the nurses.
I stopped by NICU on my way out the hospital to find out what was going on with Layla and they told me she wasn't close to rooming in with me. The nurses said Layla was moving to a less critical section of NICU, so that was good news. Don't get me wrong, I don't want Layla out of NICU until she's good and ready, but I was just confused because I felt like I hadn't been given any information. In my mind she was a healthy, 6-pound baby who could come home. My friends had just had babies weighing not much more at full-term, so why couldn't I just take her home?
The next day I showed up for her regularly scheduled 9:00 feeding but the nurse told me they had changed it to 8:00. Again, no one communicated this to me! I had asked when we left the night before if she'd be ready for me at 9:00 and they reassured me that Layla would remain on the schedule I had been following while I was in postpartum at the hospital. That crushed me when I found out someone else had fed her just 30 minutes before I arrived.
Layla's Doctor finally came to visit with me and he apologized that I had been led to believe she might room-in soon. He didn't give me a time estimate or anything, just a quick update on how she was doing. Her bilirubin count was a little high so she was put under lights as a precaution which is good-- because today, she's back under the lights since her numbers went up. She looks pretty adorable with her little eye mask on!
Layla is working so hard and gets exhausted when she feeds. She has a little feeding tube that is only used when she doesn't nurse with me long enough or when her bottle doesn't get finished. It's reassuring to know she gets her calories since preemies aren't supposed to lose any weight! This was confusing to me at first because I know that newborns typically lose weight and take about two weeks to regain their birthweight. I have to remember that if Layla were still in utero, she'd be gaining weight each day until her due date. She needs to gain weight and that's really her only goal. Yesterday she gained 31 grams, but today she's lost 25.
Every achievement she makes is such a high, but when I find out her jaundice hasn't improved or that she lost a little weight, I get really discouraged. I know she'll come home when she is ready and I wouldn't want to take her away from this excellent care.
Right now everything is like a roller coaster. The highs are high and the lows are low. I am going to try and post everyday with the highs so that I don't get discouraged.
Update 8/11: When I was typing this yesterday while Layla was under her lights for her tiny bit of jaundice, one of the NICU Helping Hands workers (I think she's a social worker) came in to see how I was doing. God definitely sent her my way. I began to cry because I was just so exhausted. She could tell I was past the point of exhaustion and took a minute to validate my feelings; she understood why I felt as if I needed to be by Layla's side every minute. However, she also helped me see that if I don't take care of myself, I might not be able to be by her side if I get a cold from a weakened immune system from not sleeping; I might not be able to visit her if I slip deeper into exhaustion and depression.
She explained her own experience with her babies in the NICU and that helped me trust her. She helped me set up a schedule for the next 24 hours that I felt good about and she made me promise her I would follow it. She told me to go home after Layla's next feeding (she is sooo tired and needs to stay under her lights so she is getting most of her feeds through her NG tube after we practice latching for a few minutes) and sleep. She told me not to come back last night, since Layla has plenty of my milk stored for her feeds. She said to send Greg in so that I knew Layla wasn't alone and so that her daddy could get some alone time with her. Although this was hard for me to do, I was able to take the night off and sleep. My final assignment was to only wake up for two pumping sessions since my supply looks pretty good and sleep in until I woke up on my own.
I did what was asked of me and I feel like I can survive today. Greg stayed with her for hours and hours last night while he studied and that made me feel so much better. I just called Layla's nurse for the day and she is up 15 grams!! Hooray! I will head in for her late morning feed and then spend as much time snuggling her until later this afternoon.
I am grateful for Layla's adoring father who just gushes over her. He always talks about the cute things she does and I am falling in love with Greg more than I ever imagined I could. He is my rock and although my hormones make me feel panicked he will not come back after his classes, I know he loves Layla and me more than anything.
I am grateful for the sweet nurse who answered the phone this morning when I called to let the know I would be in later. It is comforting to know that her nurse has such a sweet temperament and great bedside manner.
Today is a good day-- a new day.
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