I am incredibly grateful for all the blessings and miracles I have been apart of since I went into pre-term labor. I know that things could have been a lot scarier for myself and Layla. Because I am aware of how blessed I am, I feel pretty guilty for having such a difficult time. There are babies next to Layla who have been there for over 10 weeks; babies who need a lot more support. I can't even begin to imagine how their parents feel.
I know that her time in the NICU will soon be a memory, but right now it sucks. People will mention to me how nice it is that I can rest and recover while my baby is in the NICU. I know these people are trying to make me feel better and I know they have nothing but the best of intentions, but I assure you I am not resting. Throughout the night I am getting up every 2-3 hours to pump and then I have difficulty falling asleep because part of me is missing. I would much rather be waking up to a crying baby who I struggle to nurse than to my alarm clock reminding me I need to hook myself up to the milk machine.
Each day I expect to hear some type of time estimate which I know the doctors can't give me. I am just in this limbo between pregnancy, delivery and actually having my baby. All of these strange emotions are temporary, I know. I know that all of this will pass.
Now let me be a bit more positive... Today our little girl is up 5 grams. It may be a small gain, but a gain nonetheless! Layla is finishing each feeding on her own! It's now been two days of near-perfect eating. I don't know if doctors will increase her volume of milk or if they will take out her tube to see how she does... I just have no idea. The BEST news is that her feeding orders have changed so that when I am with her, I get to feed her on demand!!! This makes me so happy because I would see her act hungry before her assigned feeding time and not be able to do anything about it. Then, when her assigned time would finally come, she would act tired and often her nurse wouldn't give her a chance to eat, thus giving her feeding straight through her NG tube. I hated that! Now, I get to nurse her when she shows any signs, regardless of the time. This is much less stressful because I don't have to worry about her "passing a feeding test."
The most incredible thing about being able to breastfeed my baby is how well she has progressed in only 24 hours. Yesterday her nurse helped us both a TON with breastfeeding and Layla has taken her feedings 100% ever since that sweet angel of a nurse helped us.
Because Layla didn't look extra yellow or show any signs of Jaundice, they pushed back her bilirubin test again. She will have a blood draw in the morning to check her numbers... Here's to hoping!
Even though I seem pretty down at the beginning of this post, I am okay. I know I have support and love from so many people. I am beyond grateful for Layla's health and I know she is in the second-best place right now-- first being home with her mommy and daddy.
Here's a milk-drunk, bald and naked baby to put a smile on your face:
Layla hates her tube so much that she has pulled it out 4 times😂 Her nurse did a good job taping that sucker across her face so it stays put. I know how you feel baby, I know how you feel.
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