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December 31, 2016

TWENTY-SIXTEEN: YEAR IN REVIEW

I remember hoping last New Year's Eve that 2016 would be the year G and I had a baby, and boy, did we have a baby! This year has been full of ups and downs, but ultimately I am left at the end of the year counting the numerous blessings that have been given to my little family. I am the luckiest.



Clearly, L stole the show in 2016 and she is our entire world. I had to wrack my brain for moments that didn't pertain to our sweet girl and I did come up with a couple. Without further ado, in chronological order, these are my top 10 moments from 2016:

10. Learning we were pregnant!

9. Road-tripping through Texas with my love and my new little side-kick in my belly. We visited San Antonio, Corpus Christi and Rockport Beach.



8. Discovering that our little peanut was indeed a SHE!

7. Moving our TV from our living room to our bedroom during my 2nd trimester. Seriously, my pregnancy was ROUGH and being able to stay in bed all day watching dumb shows was GLORIOUS.



6. After several days of worry and uncertainty, I delivered our sweet girl at 34 weeks. The BEST MOMENT OF 2016 was hearing her gurgle and sputter out the sweetest, yet most powerful cry. In that moment I knew we were all okay.



5. Having my father fly in to Texas moments after I delivered his granddaughter. Living out-of-state has had it's challenges, but I am so blessed that my parents were able to make it.

4. Bringing Layla home from the NICU!!!!!!

3. Seeing my and Greg's parents hold Layla for the first time.

2. Starting my new teaching job online.

1. Gushing over my daughter with the love of my life. We adore her and honestly don't know what our life was like before she came along. Greg and I will look at pictures of her after she has gone to bed because we miss her so much. She is pure joy and has been sent to teach me how to better.




I cannot wait to embark on 2017 with Greg and Layla.

August 18, 2016

Update on Layla 8/17 & 8/18

Layla's home!!! The past 19 days have been the worst days of my life, but they have concluded with the best day of my life: bringing our sweet Layla home. My heart goes out to all the families who have to keep their baby in the NICU for any amount of time, but especially those who wait for weeks, even months. 

Greg and I got the call yesterday morning (Wednesday) that we were going to room-in with Layla last night! We got to have her in a room just as we would have had she not had to go to NICU after she was born. I was so elated to have her all to myself that I really didn't sleep...  Whenever she fell asleep after eating, I'd just stare at her or snuggle her. Everyone says to sleep when your baby sleeps but I just can't! 



It's crazy to me that just a few days ago she was struggling to eat her required amounts and NOW she's eating like a champ. It's like one day she just decided she was ready.

This morning Layla had a visit from her Neonatologist and was ready for discharge by 11 AM! We had fun dressing her up in the going home outfit I had picked out for a full-term baby... It was a little big. A LOT big. Her bow looks gianormous, too. We just love our little nugget! 


It simply feels right to have her in her home. 



 
This mama is taking doctor's recommendations seriously: little Layla still has lots of growing to do and needs all the rest she can get. For the next few weeks, mommy and daddy are asking visitors to wait. We want everyone to meet Layla because we think she's the best💁🏼, but we want to keep her tiny body rested and healthy! We'll reach out to you when we feel comfortable showing her off. #helicoptermom

Thank you for all your prayers and support, we are beyond grateful for the wonderful people who love Layla and her parents.

August 17, 2016

Update on Layla 8/16

Wednesday makes Layla 2-weeks old and I can't believe all she's overcome in such a short amount of time. I feel so blessed for her to receive the care she is getting and even though it's torture not having my baby at home, I truly do know she is in good hands. 

Today Layla has lots and lots of great news. It makes me nervous to share only because I worry that whoever the doctor is tomorrow might have a different opinion or she might get tired and eat a little less than usual... I've never felt more nervous in my life! 

While I was getting ready to head into the hospital this morning (Tuesday), her doctor called and said Layla has been taking her bottles so well and showing a lot of success while breast feeding. Because her eating is so great... They took out her NG tube!!! That little face is so darn cute with or without the tube, but it was nice to see her without it taped across her cheek! 



Layla also hasn't needed her lights for Jaundice so *knock-on-wood* I think we can check that off her list of goals to accomplish in the NICU! 

When I arrived at the hospital today, Little Miss had gained 2 grams... Not as much as we'd like to see but again, still trending up in her weight! All day she ate well with me and even nursed for 30 minutes!!! (She was pretty sleepy for the last 10 minutes) I am so proud of our little girl. 

Tonight, after I fed Layla and said goodbye, daddy got to watch her complete her car seat test! We keep calling it the "car-seat challenge" because it sounds like game. She sat in her car seat (mostly slept) for 90 minutes while all her vitals were monitored. If anything stands out during that time (sleep apnea, decreased oxygen, significant change in heart-rate) then she has to wait THREE DAYS  in the NICU and take it again; BUT, Layla PASSED!!! This is an important step before doctors will let us "room-in" with L at the hospital. If all goes well tomorrow, it's a possibility that we get to stay the night with our baby in our own room in the hospital and see how she does before SENDING HER HOME. Send prayers her way in hopes that she keeps up all her good work tomorrow!

"Next up for the Car Seat Challenge... Layla Johnson!"

We're ready for you to come home, baby girl!
 

August 15, 2016

Update on Layla 8/15

I don't know exactly why, but today was a hard day for me. At moments, things were wonderful and beautiful; however, the combination of exhaustion and longing for my baby often leaves me discouraged. 

I am incredibly grateful for all the blessings and miracles I have been apart of since I went into pre-term labor. I know that things could have been a lot scarier for myself and Layla. Because I am aware of how blessed I am, I feel pretty guilty for having such a difficult time. There are babies next to Layla who have been there for over 10 weeks; babies who need a lot more support. I can't even begin to imagine how their parents feel. 

I know that her time in the NICU will soon be a memory, but right now it sucks. People will mention to me how nice it is that I can rest and recover while my baby is in the NICU. I know these people are trying to make me feel better and I know they have nothing but the best of intentions, but I assure you I am not resting. Throughout the night I am getting up every 2-3 hours to pump and then I have difficulty falling asleep because part of me is missing. I would much rather be waking up to a crying baby who I struggle to nurse than to my alarm clock reminding me I need to hook myself up to the milk machine. 

Each day I expect to hear some type of time estimate which I know the doctors can't give me. I am just in this limbo between pregnancy, delivery and actually having my baby. All of these strange emotions are temporary, I know. I know that all of this will pass. 

Now let me be a bit more positive... Today our little girl is up 5 grams. It may be a small gain, but a gain nonetheless!  Layla is finishing each feeding on her own! It's now been two days of near-perfect eating. I don't know if doctors will increase her volume of milk or if they will take out her tube to see how she does... I just have no idea. The BEST news is that  her feeding orders have changed so that when I am with her, I get to feed her on demand!!! This makes me so happy because I would see her act hungry before her assigned feeding time and not be able to do anything about it. Then, when her assigned time would finally come, she would act tired and often her nurse wouldn't give her a chance to eat, thus giving her feeding straight through her NG tube. I hated that! Now, I get to nurse her when she shows any signs, regardless of the time. This is much less stressful because I don't have to worry about her "passing a feeding test."

The most incredible thing about being able to breastfeed my baby is how well she has progressed in only 24 hours. Yesterday her nurse helped us both a TON with breastfeeding and Layla has taken her feedings 100% ever since that sweet angel of a nurse helped us. 

Because Layla didn't look extra yellow or show any signs of Jaundice, they pushed back her bilirubin test again. She will have a blood draw in the morning to check her numbers... Here's to hoping! 

Even though I seem pretty down at the beginning of this post, I am okay. I know I have support and love from so many people. I am beyond grateful for Layla's health and I know she is in the second-best place right now-- first being home with her mommy and daddy.

Here's a milk-drunk, bald and naked baby to put a smile on your face:


Layla hates her tube so much that she has pulled it out 4 times😂 Her nurse did a good job taping that sucker across her face so it stays put. I know how you feel baby, I know how you feel.


 


August 14, 2016

Update on Layla 8/14

"Some of you may at times have cried out in your suffering, wondering why our Heavenly Father would allow you to go through whatever trials you are facing…

“Our mortal life, however, was never meant to be easy or consistently pleasant. Our Heavenly Father … knows that we learn and grow and become refined through hard challenges, heartbreaking sorrows, and difficult choices. Each one of us experiences dark days... These and other trials present us with the real test of our ability to endure.”

Today I stumbled across the quote above while listening to a talk given by Dallin H. Oaks. In the midst of wondering what I could have done to prevent my preterm labor, I feel a lot of comfort from that quote. Things happened the way they did for a reason. I may not know the reason immediately or ever, but I do know that I am becoming stronger from all of this. I'm not saying that things are getting easier, because they aren't. I just mean that this experience is one of purpose for me as a daughter of God, as a wife, and most importantly, as a mother.

I once had the opportunity to meet dallin Oaks at a time when I needed some direction. Without knowing my current circumstances, he simply told me, and two dear friends who were with me, that we ought not to worry about finding the "perfect man," but to find the perfect person FOR each of us. This ultimately led me to my decision to marry Greg and this experience we are currently facing is evidence that I did find the perfect person for me. Greg and I depend on each other and hold each other up. Often I feel he holds me up while I depend on him more than I can ever return the favor, but I do know we make a great team.


Today has been a great day for Layla! When I arrived this morning, she had gained weight and she had finished her morning feeding ALL BY HERSELF (entirely from her bottle with NO NG tube)! She continued to take her next two entire feedings from me. Three, 100% feedings in a row! Wahoo! Her doctor said when she starts taking 80% of her feedings on her own she can lose the tube. 

Her bilirubin count increased slightly, so she may go back under the lights tomorrow if her numbers climb. 

Today is bittersweet. Bitter in that my mom had to go home. She has been my angel over the last two weeks... Helping me through my hospital stay and encouraging me each night when I cry without my baby. I know she'll be back soon, and the next time she comes I am hoping Layla is home! 



Things are sweet now because Layla met her Grandma Johnson today! We are lucky to have help from Greg's mom and I am blessed to have her Christ-like countenance supporting the three of us. 

We are so proud of this little nugget. She decided to come early even though it would have been much easier for her to grow while still inside mama... She is one hard worker!

I put Layla in this preemie outfit and I am pretty sure it won't fit tomorrow😂


 Thank you for your continued prayers and support!

August 13, 2016

Update on Layla 8/12 & 8/13

Our little Layla girl is working so hard! Yesterday she was up 15 grams in weight and today she is up 19 grams! She is now up to 5 lbs 11 oz-- getting closer to her birth weight at 6 lbs! She is taking about 50-60% of her feeds on her own which means she takes a good amount of each feeding from the breast or bottle. She wears herself right out and then receives the remainder of her feed through her NG tube feed.

Layla was taken off her bilirubin lights for the second time because her numbers went down, hooray! However, her count today jumped up a bit (>11) and if her numbers get up to 14, she goes back under the lights. Pray that Layla's liver can filter out that jaundice!

Big news for today though... She ate her entire 60 ml feed on her own with NO NG tube feed! She is only required to eat 55 ml. Can she get a round of applause? 

Layla's goals for rooming in and then disharging are getting bilirubin count maintained and taking enough of her feeds without her tube. It's difficult not knowing how much time those could take, but we are so grateful that Layla is showing progress. 

After I visit for her 8:00 pm feed and snuggle for a bit, I head home while Greg stays for several more hours to study. I feel so blessed to be going through this experience with Greg by my side. He has helped me through my middle of the night pumping sessions and held me every day while I cry on his shoulder. I love watching him get set up with his laptop nearby to study with Layla snuggled up on his chest. Leaving at night is the hardest, but when I leave with her daddy still by her side, I cry a little bit less knowing Layla isn't falling asleep without her mommy or daddy.




 

 






August 12, 2016

Update on Layla 8/11

Yesterday was a pretty good day, our sweet girl has started to show interest in eating again! She took a bottle at several of her feeds and even though she didn't finish her bottle, she did take more than half of her required amount each time. She also nursed from mom for about 15 minute which was awesome! Eat little one, eat! Layla's bilirubin number dropped to <9 which means she gets a chance to show us her liver function off her lights. Here's to hoping she can keep it down!

I spent several hours with Layla doing skin to skin and snuggling. She was pretty smiley yesterday and although I know it's just a reflex, I think she was pretty happy all day long.




Layla got to hang out with dad last night again while he studied for several hours which makes me feel much better at night. Just knowing one of us is by her side is extremely comforting.


August 11, 2016

Update on Layla 8/10

Baby girl is has been in NICU for a week. It's been overwhelming to say the least because we were not given accurate information at first and I had my hopes up that she'd be leaving sooner than was ever possible. After I was discharged from the hospital, I didn't know how to think or function. I had been coming to visit Layla pretty frequently while I was in the hospital, and when I went back after one of her feedings the nurse discharged me and I had to leave right away.

At this point, two days after her birth, I hadn't been given any information about Layla, just that she was doing well with her bottle feeds and because she didn't need any oxygen I might be able to room in with her. None of her doctors had given me any information-- just the nurses.

I stopped by NICU on my way out the hospital to find out what was going on with Layla and they told me she wasn't close to rooming in with me. The nurses said Layla was moving to a less critical section of NICU, so that was good news. Don't get me wrong, I don't want Layla out of NICU until she's good and ready, but I was just confused because I felt like I hadn't been given any information. In my mind she was a healthy, 6-pound baby who could come home. My friends had just had babies weighing not much more at full-term, so why couldn't I just take her home?

The next day I showed up for her regularly scheduled 9:00 feeding but the nurse told me they had changed it to 8:00. Again, no one communicated this to me! I had asked when we left the night before if she'd be ready for me at 9:00 and they reassured me that Layla would remain on the schedule I had been following while I was in postpartum at the hospital. That crushed me when I found out someone else had fed her just 30 minutes before I arrived.

Layla's Doctor finally came to visit with me and he apologized that I had been led to believe she might room-in soon. He didn't give me a time estimate or anything, just a quick update on how she was doing. Her bilirubin count was a little high so she was put under lights as a precaution which is good-- because today, she's back under the lights since her numbers went up. She looks pretty adorable with her little eye mask on!

Layla is working so hard and gets exhausted when she feeds. She has a little feeding tube that is only used when she doesn't nurse with me long enough or when her bottle doesn't get finished. It's reassuring to know she gets her calories since preemies aren't supposed to lose any weight! This was confusing to me at first because I know that newborns typically lose weight and take about two weeks to regain their birthweight. I have to remember that if Layla were still in utero, she'd be gaining weight each day until her due date. She needs to gain weight and that's really her only goal. Yesterday she gained 31 grams, but today she's lost 25.

Every achievement she makes is such a high, but when I find out her jaundice hasn't improved or that she lost a little weight, I get really discouraged. I know she'll come home when she is ready and I wouldn't want to take her away from this excellent care.

Right now everything is like a roller coaster. The highs are high and the lows are low. I am going to try and post everyday with the highs so that I don't get discouraged.

Update 8/11: When I was typing this yesterday while Layla was under her lights for her tiny bit of jaundice, one of the NICU Helping Hands workers (I think she's a social worker) came in to see how I was doing. God definitely sent her my way. I began to cry because I was just so exhausted. She could tell I was past the point of exhaustion and took a minute to validate my feelings; she understood why I felt as if I needed to be by Layla's side every minute. However, she also helped me see that if I don't take care of myself, I might not be able to be by her side if I get a cold from a weakened immune system from not sleeping; I might not be able to visit her if I slip deeper into exhaustion and depression.

She explained her own experience with her babies in the NICU and that helped me trust her. She helped me set up a schedule for the next 24 hours that I felt good about and she made me promise her I would follow it. She told me to go home after Layla's next feeding (she is sooo tired and needs to stay under her lights so she is getting most of her feeds through her NG tube after we practice latching for a few minutes) and sleep. She told me not to come back last night, since Layla has plenty of my milk stored for her feeds. She said to send Greg in so that I knew Layla wasn't alone and so that her daddy could get some alone time with her. Although this was hard for me to do, I was able to take the night off and sleep. My final assignment was to only wake up for two pumping sessions since my supply looks pretty good and sleep in until I woke up on my own.

I did what was asked of me and I feel like I can survive today. Greg stayed with her for hours and hours last night while he studied and that made me feel so much better. I just called Layla's nurse for the day and she is up 15 grams!! Hooray! I will head in for her late morning feed and then spend as much time snuggling her until later this afternoon.

I am grateful for Layla's adoring father who just gushes over her. He always talks about the cute things she does and I am falling in love with Greg more than I ever imagined I could. He is my rock and although my hormones make me feel panicked he will not come back after his classes, I know he loves Layla and me more than anything.

I am grateful for the sweet nurse who answered the phone this morning when I called to let the know I would be in later. It is comforting to know that her nurse has such a sweet temperament and great bedside manner.

Today is a good day-- a new day.

August 10, 2016

Layla's Birth Story

The past ten days seem like a dream to me and I don’t want to forget any part of Layla’s story so I’m taking a minute to write everything down and hopefully keep posting updates here on my blog.

Anyone who knows me knows that I wear my heart on my sleeve; I don’t often keep my emotions to myself. While I know this particular character trait of mine can get me in trouble, I know this part of me is something I don’t want to change. I process trials and difficult moments by talking about them. I also cherish and embrace moments in my life by sharing and bragging about them because it’s how I understand and deal with things. I am going to be pretty open about things as they unfold and if that makes anyone uncomfortable, then just don’t visit my blog.

Let me begin by saying that my pregnancy with Layla rocked me. I know I should be grateful for the opportunity to have gotten pregnant and I could never be more grateful for this little miracle, but my pregnancy was truly something I wasn’t ready for. Looking back, I think all these things that happened to my body ultimately protected our little bug and hindsight truly is 20/20. I don’t need to go into the details of everything, but one major struggle of mine was sacral back pain. Because of an accident I was in as a little girl, my pelvic alignment, in correlation with that accident-fractured hip, gave me some debilitating back pain which put me in bed most of my pregnancy. I really believe that helped me keep my sweet babe in to cook as long as possible. While in bed most of my pregnancy, I was angry and frustrated for how painful things were; but now, I’m so happy I had the chance to take it easy and practically put myself on bed rest.

On Saturday, July 31st at about 10:30 PM, I started to notice contractions that were harder and more frequent than the Braxton-Hicks contractions I had been experiencing sporadically. As a first-time mama, I didn’t want to rush to the hospital only to be turned away for not actually being in labor. I tried to sleep through the contractions, but these were HARD. I was feeling super nauseous and I couldn’t breathe through them the way I had been practicing. I tried to walk around, sit on our exercise ball, hang onto Greg, etc. I kept breathing through each contraction, but they were about 5 minutes apart. I kept telling Greg I didn’t think I could be in labor and I felt stupid calling the on-call nurse at my OB’s practice. We’d take things 20 minutes at a time and at the end of the 20 minutes, assess how close contractions were and my level of pain. At about 1:00 AM, Greg called the on-call nurse and she told us to head in to the hospital.

When we arrived to triage, baby and I were put on monitors and sure enough—these contractions were the real deal. After the doctor checked my cervix, I remember being informed I was dilated to 3 cm and 90% effaced. The tears just came. It was now nearly 2 AM and I was just being told that I was in pre-term labor. I was terrified and sick to my stomach because this baby was only 33 weeks and 3 days gestation. How could I have done this to her? I told Greg I was sorry for not keeping her longer and he reassured me that things would be okay. I know it’s not my fault she came early, but that is really hard to accept or agree with sometimes. My mind was beating me up for taking Pilates once a week for my back pain, or for not eating perfectly while pregnant. I wondered if there were signs I ignored that put this baby in danger. I felt solely responsible and I was pretty mad at my body as they wheeled me into labor and delivery.

I was given a steroid as soon as they discovered I was in labor in order to help Layla’s lungs develop quickly. Obviously a concern for preemies is that they are able to breathe when they arrive. In order to try and slow labor as long as possible I was given magnesium through an IV. It all happened pretty quickly and I remember hearing the nurse tell me that magnesium would make me feel like I had the flu. Hopefully the magnesium would slow or stop contractions over time.  All my smooth muscle would relax and therefore I couldn’t eat, get out of bed, or pee on my own for 24+ hours.  As soon as it hit my veins, I was on fire. You can read about all the lovely effects magnesium has on a patient below:

“…studies have shown that magnesium sulfate can delay delivery for at least several days (depending on how far dilated a woman's cervix is when the medication is started).
This isn't a lot of time, but it can make a big difference for the fetus if the mother is given steroids along with magnesium sulfate. After 48 hours, steroids improve a baby's lung function and reduce the risk of dying by 40 percent.
Magnesium sulfate also reduces the infant’s risk for cerebral palsy if they are born too early.
 Potential side effects include flushing, feeling uncomfortably warm, headache, dry mouth, nausea, and blurred vision. Women often say they feel wiped out, as though they have the flu. These side effects can be uncomfortable, but they are not dangerous.
When given in high doses, magnesium sulfate can cause cardiac arrest and respiratory failure. Fortunately, women can be monitored for increases in the magnesium blood levels. If the levels become too high, the dose can be lowered." Taken from Healthline
Basically, doctor’s give women in pre-term labor magnesium sulfate in a near-toxic dose in order to be effective. Blood-draws every two hours help watch for toxicity levels and drive a patient crazy who has a phobia of needles. Those flu-like symptoms are more like the Spanish-flu of 1911 symptoms. I was incredibly nauseous, dizzy and my entire body felt as though it was under heat lamps. My room was kept to about 60 degrees and I had fans helping circulate air around my body. Anytime someone briefly walked in front of the fan, it felt as if my body temperature would rise 20 degrees! I could go on and on about how miserable this treatment made me feel and I might even prefer labor over magnesium sulfate.

At this point, Greg and I decided to let our parents know what was going on since we definitely weren’t going home. At about 5 AM, I called my parents’ house and told them I was in labor. Still crying and nervous, I explained the plan to try and stop labor. My mom was already scheduled to visit us in Texas the following day, but she was able to find a flight that was leaving SLC around 8 AM. Greg and our good friend, Garen, gave Layla and me a blessing around 8:30 AM. Until this point, I had been so scared. I didn’t even care what was happening to me, but I was so scared for our little baby. I was thinking about what babies look like at 33 weeks and all that they still need to do in the womb; however, I felt such peace surrounding any outcome as I listened to Greg bless and pray that my body would be able to do what it needed to do. 


I need to mention that through all of this, Layla was never under any distress. I listened to her heartrate on the fetal monitor the entire time. When nurses asked if I wanted to turn down the volume, I said no. It was incredibly reassuring to hear her moving, grooving, and pumping blood like a champ. Goodness, I love that little girl.

I don’t know at which point during all of this, but eventually that evening, contractions did begin to slow. I still had them and they were HARD. I couldn’t walk or move or apply any of my practiced labor methods so I just lay there during contractions, on fire, head spinning for 24 hours. Every hour I didn’t give birth was one more hour Layla could grow and develop. Because things started to slow down, my mom stayed with me while Greg went home to get a little sleep and try and study for his neuroscience test which was going to take place the following morning. I don’t really remember this, but at some point Sunday evening, I was moved to an Antepartum room to finish up my magnesium and to be monitored for labor progression. Contractions had slowed enough that I wasn’t in active labor anymore and they were able to give me baby’s second dose of steroids at 4:00 AM Monday morning. Hallelujah!!!

I woke up around 7:30 AM to the sound of my sweet baby’s heart-rate on the monitor and I felt like a whole new person. I was exhausted, but I was taken off the magnesium sulfate and as it filtered through my body I realized just how awful I had felt while on that stuff. My nurse told me that she hadn’t seen any contractions for a couple hours on the monitor and that I COULD EAT BREAKFAST!! I hadn’t eaten since dinner on Saturday night.

Things felt good. Greg was able to take his test knowing I wasn’t showing any labor signs (besides an occasional contraction every couple hours), my mom and I got to chat and catch up now that I wasn’t on magnesium, and my OB, Dr. Glenn, was on the clock so she got to spend time and explain things to me. After the magnesium, it was always in the plan to have me receive Procardia for 24 hours just to help kick this preterm labor. If by the next morning (Tuesday), I still didn’t show contractions, I would then be monitored without any interventions before I could be sent home the following day (Wednesday) on bedrest. Between Dr. Glenn and the high-risk specialist, I felt extremely reassured. Both told me that at this point, baby had been given some great support. I looked pretty good and if I still didn’t show any labor signs over the next couple days, I could be sent home on bedrest. If I did go into labor, they weren’t going to try and stop things because it wouldn’t really be beneficial. They also said that every minute she stayed inside, was a minute she would grow and she had great chances if she came at this point because we got those steroids to her. Grow, hulk baby! I finally started updating a few friends because I felt like we were in the clear. I honestly felt I would go home on bedrest—part of me just felt so confident that I had made it through. I felt that Layla would definitely come early, but at least not this week! Maybe she’d come around 36 weeks, and I felt pretty great about that.

Monday evening was mellow besides the frequent monitoring, blood draws, Procardia doses, etc. I slept the best this night, although Greg would probably disagree. Procardia is for high blood pressure, but it also is used to stop preterm labor and can drastically lower blood pressure. I was not supposed to get up on my own and with all the fluids running through me, I had to use the bathroom pretty often. Greg has been such an incredible caretaker. If pooping and peeing while your husband holds you doesn’t signify true love, I don’t know what does. Ha!

Tuesday was uneventful. I was poked, prodded and monitored even more just to make sure things were okay. I was visited by the high-risk specialist and my OB once more—both were very optimistic in that should I make it through the night, they would talk about what bedrest would be like at home. I was taken off all medications to stop labor to see if my body had decided to keep baby in a while longer. They also said that nothing else would be given to stop contractions because my 34-week mark was the following morning. After spending the day by my side, my mom switched Greg places so he could sleep by me and head to school in the morning. That night, we both went to sleep with things feeling peaceful. At about 2:00 AM Wednesday morning, I woke up to a pretty hard contraction. I hadn’t been monitored in several hours because I hadn’t felt any contractions so I called the nurse and she hooked me up to monitor baby and my contractions. Layla still was just happy as a clam! Unfortunately, contractions were frequent enough that the nurse decided to let the on-call doctor know what was going on.

I have a lot of trust in modern medicine. I think that we live in a world with smart, responsible medical professionals and that as a patient, I can trust what doctors decide to do; however, I was uneasy that this particular nurse seemed to diagnose the problem and gave me her plan of what to do. She described a medication that could be offered every 20 minutes to stop contractions and although there are some risks, several rounds of the medication could be administered. She went to confirm with the on-call doctor and came back with the injections. Greg held my hand as I got another IV. I watched it leak, burst and swell in my wrist. The nurse placed a new IV, but it was messy and it bled all over me. I got one of the injections directly into my upper-arm as fluids helped flush it through my body. This medication hurt. HURT. Although short-lived, I felt it rush through my veins like shards of glass. While Greg was probably fascinated by everything happening, he was good to hold my hand and keep me calm through all of this. Over the next 30 minutes, contractions slowed nearly to a hault, but then picked up again so I got a second round of this broken-glass poison!!! After another 30 minutes, contractions had stopped completely and we were able to go back to sleep around 5 AM.

Wednesday, August 3rd was the day. Greg and I were exhausted, so he decided to skip his morning class and get some sleep at home. I was really distraught over our middle of the night drama. Probably due to lack of sleep, I was anxious and frantic about the way the nurse seemed to call-the-shots (no pun intendend…). What was even more irritating was that when the high-risk specialist found out what had happened, she did not approve. She reassured me that no more interventions would take place should I show labor signs. She made it clear on my orders and apologized that there had been miscommunication.

By this point in my hospital stay, I was done. My arms looked awful from all my IV sites, blood draws and injection sites. I was mentally and physically exhausted. My mom came to spend the day with me and our morning was great. I had a short nap, and I had her get me a tall, Vanilla-Bean frap from the hospital Starbucks with a slice of iced-lemon pound cake. It was nice to just rest and eat some yummy treats. 

My cute nurse for the day fixed up the messy IV site from the night before and after lunch she told me I could take a shower (FINALLY!). My mom helped me to the shower and stood outside the curtain to make sure I was okay. I had been under the shower stream for about five minutes when I got a contraction. This one wasn’t too hard—but it was enough to make me hold on to the walls and breathe through it. My mom heard me breathing through this contraction and asked if I was alright. I told her it wasn’t too long and that I was fine. I decided I’d better be quick with this shower and get back in bed. Not thirty seconds later, I felt a warm gush between my legs… but I was in the shower so I stepped out of the warm stream of the shower and realized that this wasn’t just a relaxing trickle from the shower. The nurse was notified as I made my way back to bed. After an amniotic fluid test, the nurse confirmed that my water had broken and she hooked me up to the monitors. She checked my cervix and I was dilated to 5 cm and 100% effaced. The contractions came at about 8 minutes apart and were getting harder with each one. It was time to have a baby.

When I had left the shower to lay down, my mom noticed a text from Greg asking how things were. She told him he’d better get back to the hospital and he was there before I knew it. He met us down in labor and delivery. 

At this point, I felt an immense amount of peace. I was worried about Layla and I 
didn’t stop praying that she’d be alright; I prayed that she’d arrive without any distress so that she could get all the support she needed. I started preparing myself for what my baby might look like: she might be about 4.5-5 pounds or smaller (according to all my pregnancy aps), she might have trouble breathing or regulating her temperature. I knew that she would have the best care waiting for her when she arrived but I didn’t want her to be in pain or distress from everything my body had been through the past few days. I pleaded with my Father in Heaven to let me endure whatever I needed to but to let my baby feel safe and protected when she came into this world.



The next few hours are the hardest to remember from last week. I don’t know if it’s because I was so exhausted by the time I had started my final attempt at labor, or if it’s because of the euphoria and adrenaline that got me through delivery. The details of Layla’s actual delivery are just not as clear. I know that my waters had broken high, which meant my doctor had to break the rest of my waters. I know that my contractions were not consistent for the first couple hours. I would get three hard, intense, contractions in a matter of minutes and then I wouldn’t have another for about 5 minutes. I’d get the next 4 or 5 contractions in a pretty consistent pattern but their level of pain would vary significantly. I wanted to avoid Pitocin just because my hardest contractions were killing me. The last thing I wanted was for my body to get hard contractions, really fast. I didn’t want to stress my baby and I felt that Pitocin would do that. After some great conversing with the nurse, I decided to go ahead and take the Pitocin in the smallest amount they offer and go from there. I thought to myself that my initial labor plans for a full-term delivery were pretty much gone due to the events that had taken place in the days before, and once I let go of trying to do things the way I had practiced and planned for a full-term delivery, I was able to relax and progress pretty quickly.



Let me just say that through this experience, I applaud all mamas everywhere. I had it set in my head that there are ideal or superior methods to deliver a baby, but not anymore. There is no wrong way to have a baby. I wish that every mom felt confident no matter how their baby comes to this earth. No mom should ever feel guilty about the way she gives birth. Was it frustrating to not have things the way I wanted? Absolutely—BEYOND frustrating; however, I needed to worry about my sweet angel and make sure she got her safely and comfortably.

Around 9:00 PM (all pretty fuzzy to me) I had progressed to about 7-8 cm dilation and I was working through the most painful contractions since Saturday night when I first went into labor. I was up, out of the bed, leaning on Greg for support crying as I tried to make it from contraction to contraction. He’d have me take things 5 minutes at a time, but eventually I started to fall apart. I was exhausted and stressed. I was so worried about everything and began to shake. The nurse came in and noticed that the baby was having some inconsistencies on the monitor that could be correlated with change in oxygen or significant change in heart rate. Or those inconsistencies could mean the monitor didn’t get the best reading. I just wanted her to come. I decided that I wasn’t trying to prove myself to anyone and I asked for that epidural—STAT! I told Greg to reassure me that this decision was okay; that all the risks I had read regarding epidurals wouldn’t be a risk to my sweet girl or me. He was extremely reassuring, motivating and comforting as I got the epidural and waited for things to progress. Even though I felt numbness and the effects of the pain medication, it took a while for the epidural to even work as I worked through several more contractions that rocked my world.


When the nurse checked me around 10:00 PM??? I was dilated to a 10 and ready to roll. She was an incredible nurse. I am so blessed she helped deliver my baby because she made things easy as she reassured and coached me. She made the delivery beautiful because she was so skilled at her job and it was a wonderful experience to have someone like her there. She helped coach me through pushing for about 30 minutes and then told me to “stop!” She notified NICU to get to our room ASAP and she called the doctor.

Greg and my mom were both at my side during delivery for which I am grateful. Greg was able to stay by my side, never leaving. My mom would get me ice chips or help both of us with encouraging words. At times she stepped aside to give Greg and me some time together during contractions and when I was receiving my epidural. She was a perfect assistant to us both and I am just so glad she was able to be there.

Because Layla would be 34 weeks, she would automatically go to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. The NICU team was waiting at the foot of the delivery bed behind my doctor while I was coached through only two more pushes. Layla Jacqueline Johnson was born at 11:09 PM and my whole entire world changed.

I remember my final push and everyone being excited that she had arrived. I looked down to see one big baby! I heard my doctor say, “She’s got a double chin!” and I immediately heard my daughter start to cry. I remember telling her to, “Cry, baby cry! Keep crying!” because I just wanted those little lungs to work. She was pink and crying and mine. After Greg cut her cord, Layla was put over on her little bed where NICU began assessing her. I delivered my placenta and the doctor began cleaning and stitching me up. I had a pretty awful, bi-lateral internal-tear, and because of that I am beyond happy I had an epidural.

Before NICU took my baby upstairs, they let me do skin-to-skin with Layla. I was told during labor that this might not happen depending on her condition, so I was beyond thrilled when I finally got to hold my baby in my arms. She was pretty alert, yet calm, as we got to snuggle for a few minutes.

There’s a lyric in one of Adele’s songs that says “Right before my eyes I saw, my heart it came to life.” I can’t think of a better way to describe what it was like to hold my daughter for the first time.



I love this picture of Layla giving one of the nurses the stink-eye!

Greg went up to NICU with Layla to be with her as they finished more testing and eventually I was taken up to visit her before I was taken to my room. I don’t remember when I fell asleep, but I remember waking up later that morning in a lot of pain. I remember feeling pretty confused because my belly no longer held my baby, yet I wasn’t holding her, either. She was in a different room in the hospital and I couldn’t really wrap my mind over what had just happened over the past several days.




I still am trying to wrap my mind around the events since Saturday, July 31st. I still don’t have my baby with me and that is the worst feeling I’ve ever felt. When I am not with her, my heart aches in a way I can’t describe. I want to be with her every minute of the day, but my body isn’t healing as it should and I am torn between sitting by her side for hours and hours or trying to recover and take care of myself. I feel like a terrible mom for not being there for her. I’m furious because my body went into labor early. I’m miserable thinking about her being without her mommy and daddy at night. I’m worried because I don’t know when she’ll be able to come home. There are a lot of things I’m feeling and this is the hardest experience of my life, but ultimately I’m grateful.



I’m grateful she is so big and that her lungs work perfectly. She was SIX POUNDS! She hasn’t needed any help breathing and all her other vitals have been steady and true. Other than losing a little weight and getting pretty tired when she eats, she’s kicking butt. Oh, that little girl is a tough cookie. She does things her own way and I love her for that.

Right now, we have a pretty solid routine. I am pumping breast milk every three hours so that Layla gets all her food from her mama. Each morning, my mom drives me into the hospital for Layla’s first several feedings, and we hang out with her for several hours. Layla and I practice breast-feeding, enjoy skin-to-skin as long as possible and I die over her cuteness. When I tear myself away from her, I head home and try to rest a little. Then Greg and I head back to the hospital in the evening for her nighttime feeding and we tuck her in for the night. When we leave each night my heart breaks even more. I can’t help but sob on the drive home because I just want to be with my baby. I know she is getting excellent care and I wouldn’t want to take her home if she wasn’t ready. But, that doesn’t make it any easier to be without my miracle girl.

I will post more detailed updates on Layla’s status later, but for now I want to just ask you for your prayers. Just pray that Layla eats and eats and eats and that she’ll do everything she needs to do to grow.  Pray that she is cozy and happy in her little bed with the wonderful nurses who take care of her when I’m not there. Pray that she doesn’t feel my lack of presence when I’m not there.



Thank you to everyone who has helped with food, prayers, support and more. We are immensely blessed and I know Layla has a lot of fans who love and support her. 

March 01, 2016

A BABY

The last time I blogged was a little tragic, and I decided some happiness needs to fill this page. I also am going a little crazy with morning sickness and feel this craving to write. I want to write a novel or something. I'm not sure what I would write about, so that may never come to fruition. I truly want to document all things baby-related for selfish reasons-- I want to remember this experience, despite how horrible I've been feeling.

Yep. Morning sickness. I'm pregnant! I'm full-on, every symptom in the book, pregnant. I'm 12-weeks and we finally told the social media world our news. I feel like everyone already knew, but that's okay.


I'm definitely already showing. Everything smells and tastes horrendous to me. I'm so moody and emotional and I feel extremely sorry for Greg. EXCEPT when he does something so irritating like fry up some apple-pork sausage!!! Seriously, that shouldn't even be a food let alone one that my husband eats around his pregnant wife!

I honestly was caught off-guard when I saw that positive pink line back in January. We had just returned from our winter break in Utah. The weekend before going back to work found me falling asleep each afternoon. I was incredibly exhausted and couldn't figure out why. I knew we had partied hard and spent the most of our time with family in UT, but this was NOT like me. Then this little thought came to me... what if you're pregnant? I took a pregnancy test and it was positive before I even set it down on the counter. I JUST BAWLED AND LAUGHED OUT LOUD. I was laughing and crying and telling myself the news, "You're pregnant!" Waiting for Greg to come home was so hard. I had a little present wrapped up for my baby-daddy when he came home and he was beaming to hear about our little addition.

There is nothing I've wanted more than this. All the crazy things I've done in the past were to help me prepare for THIS. Every class, every plan, every heart-break, every accomplishment, every failure, every test, every mile and every prayer was for THIS.

Greg has been my Superman through all of this. We're just getting started and I often feel tinges of guilt for how much he takes care of me all while juggling demanding medical school. He cooks and cleans and goes to get me limeade practically every day. He lets me yell at him and cry at him and puts up with all my late-night, irrational panics about squishing my baby. I'm literally a crazy woman right now and it doesn't seem to phase him one bit. Everything that man has gone through in life has prepared him for ME. Poor guy (insert laughing tears emoji).

A couple weeks ago we told family our news with this little Valentine


I would LOVE to know what all you experienced mamas want to tell me in regards to surviving pregnancy, must-have products, emotional support, etc.


I have a feeling that having a baby is not going to be as simple as strapping him or her in a cute carrier and strutting around in my swimsuit;)  

If you want to stay tuned for my little updates, I promise there will be more. 

Until next time, 
SJ

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